She-Genius

Warning: Serious and commonly fatal side effects of this blog include unjustified outrage, actual invincibility, passive extremism and boop.

Thursday

25

December 2014

There Was One Year When I Didn’t Write Blog Posts Because I Was Finding All The Answers.

Written by , Posted in STFU DIARY

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    Corielle Heath: Champion of Women.

    I spent the last year devising a viable business model, which doubles as the solution to all of modern civilization’s greatest challenges: Empower and unite women by channeling female purchasing power into the growth of female entrepreneurship and business ownership, worldwide.

    Everyone should be on board with this, because the empowerment of women will unlock the full potential of humanity. Not just that, but an alliance of women has the capacity to unite humanity in a way nothing but First Contact can.  There are women of every cultural, political and economic background, of every sexuality, faith and walk of life. We are a representative majority of the human population, built to bear life and share knowledge. Empowering women will bring balance to the world.

    Women - I spent a lot of time thinking, in 2014, and I found truth. Let me share it with you:

    1) You are an independent iteration of human evolution, with the right to be all that you can be.

    2) You always have the right to perform optimally. If this conflicts with what is expected of you as a woman, it is because there is a serious problem with the construction of womanhood in modern civilization – not with you.

    3) Women have all of the necessary ingredients to empower women immediately. We do not need to protest or appeal. We simply need to turn our love on each other.

    In the United States, women control 80% of purchasing power and start 70% of new businesses. This year, I made it my business to build us a marketplace.

    Come join me at liftUPlift.com. 

    Merry Christmas, everyone!

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      Tuesday

      26

      November 2013

      Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

      Written by , Posted in STFU DIARY

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        I have been a light-rail commuter for just under two weeks.

        I don’t think I need to tell you that this has been ample time for me to deputize myself as an extension of the Metra Authority.

        I’m pretty hands-off the day-to-day train-conducting tasks, of course, like pulling the forward-backward lever, punching tickets and mostly not killing pedestrians. I’m just here for when Metra needs a hero, much like Superman or the National Guard.*

        *My apologies to the National Guard. 

        My ascent from passenger to undercover rail marshall was serendipitously expedited when one of my fellow passengers suffered a massive heart attack, and I attempted to save his life.

        You know how it goes…

        You’re on your way home from work, sitting on the top level of the double-decker train (like you always do, because the air at that elevation is much too thin to transmit Consumption and other diseases commonly spewed by the wretched coughing of the community proletariat).

        20131127 094243 450x600 Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

        ….WHEN SUDDENLY, a teenage girl sitting several seats away and wearing a beret casually wonders aloud–without any hint of a French accent–whether “anyone has any first aid training, or something?”

        At first, no one responds. I presume this is because no one expects to be conversationally alerted to a medical emergency.

        Fortunately, I am always on alert for opportunities to secure a life-debt, so I read her loud and clear.

        Peering over the seat in front of me, I see a middle-aged man, collapsed and unresponsive, in the aisle.

        she genius gif train metra 3 Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

        I. am. STOKED!

        There’s no telling what I find so scintillating about mortal crisis.  I can only image that my insatiable lust for power is indiscriminate of circumstance, and, if I can seize control only when everyone else is paralyzed by fear and indecision, then so be it.

        Whatever the reason, I launch enthusiastically into full rescue mission mode, just like when I saved my brother, Tony, from that catastrophic Honda explosion.

        I spring from my seat.

        she genius gif metra train 2 Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail
        “IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE CAR?” I bellow.  No one responds.

        I know a thing or two about saving lives because my father is a dentist, so I accept their silence as confirmation that I am the most qualified medical professional on this train. ”There are AED’s at either exit,” I announce, while sprinting toward the stairwell.

        I’m wearing high heels, but I will not be hindered by my impractical footwear and descend the steps to the lower level in a single bound, gripping the handrails like parallel bars and swinging, heels-first, into the aisle, below.

        The other passengers remain motionless in their seats, as I barrel past them and punch the emergency call button.

        she genius gif metra train 1 Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

        HELP IS ON THE WAY!

        The alarm shrieks. “Shit,” I think. ”This is getting serious!”

        By this point, everyone else is so alarmed confident that I’ve got this situation completely under control, no one has made any attempt at assisting me. I sprint back down the aisle and bark, “GET ME THAT AED!”

        Still, no one moves, except for a woman in the center of the car who sheepishly asks, “…what’s an AED?”

        USELESS. With a dramatic flourish, I yank open the rear car door and grab the defibrillator out of the wall. Bursting with glorious purpose, I gallop back toward the stairwell like a running back, little blue box tucked under one arm, the other pointed straight out in front of me, ready and more than willing to stiff-arm the first person that gets in my way.

        The conductor blasts into the car right as I reach the stairwell, forcing me to pull up short at the last minute.

        In case he doesn’t realize who’s in command of this car, I immediately begin to debrief him at a full shout.

        “WE’VE GOT A MAN DOWN, CONDITION UNCERTAIN, TOP LEVEL,” I pant.

        Together, we dash up the steps while I continue to provide my expert dental opinion. “POSSIBLE CARDIAC ARREST. I’VE GOT THE AED.”

        Ignoring me, he crouches down, placing two fingers on the dying man’s neck. After a moment, his brow crinkles and he cranks around to stare at me. “His pulse is steady.”  I raise an eyebrow and resist the urge to insist on taking his pulse, myself. Looking flummoxed, the conductor gently slaps the man’s cheek. “Sir. SIR. Wake up.”

        Would you believe that WOLF-CRYING SON OF A BITCH gasps for breath and sits up?

        NEITHER COULD I, but he does, while sputtering some nonsense about a very deep sleep. I pay little attention because this man has a demented sense of humor, and clearly CRAVES attention, and he’s not going to get it from ME.

        “It’s a goddamn miracle,” I pronounce angrily, before returning to my seat to glare resentfully at him for the duration of the trip.

        Anyway, long story short, I found an abandoned hiking backpack-bomb on the top level luggage rack several days later, to which I immediately alerted the conductor. Unfortunately, that was a false alarm, as well, but everyone was very supportive of safe over sorry because ignoring ticking luggage is how Houdini died.

        A few days after that, I intervened to terminate an incident of on-board bullying, and, soon after that, I tricked the Metra Conductors into launching a futile, 24-car search and rescue mission for my iPhone, though it turns out that someone hid it inside my lunchbox and put it in the refrigerator at GXUSA…

        gxusa iphone in refridgerator 450x450 Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

        I have no idea who…

        The moral of this story has something to do with Bystander Intervention, but I wouldn’t know, because I have no soul, so….HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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          Tuesday

          29

          October 2013

          JOB!

          Written by , Posted in OMG News, STFU DIARY

          GeneXus USA Logo
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            I FINALLY have a job, and it pays me in real dollars!

            My new place of business is called “GeneXus USA,” and we* help businesses build web and mobile apps for their customers or employees.

            *Corielle Heath is not involved in the development of web or mobile apps, as she is not even capable of working the printer, let alone giving birth to something that can survive in an iOS ecosystem.

            gxusa JOB!

            I am the SENIOR-MOST marketing and PR person at GeneXus USA, and I have no time for trivialities like developing the technologies or printing things, because I am also the SOLE marketing and PR person at GXUSA.  It’s my responsibility to incept people with the seeds of an idea for an app that lives in your iPad, solving all your problems, making you rich and heralding a new era of world peace.  I also write our social media content:


            Though it’s not in my official job description, I can’t imagine that my talent for art and coming up with wildly unfeasible ideas will go to waste.

            For example, here is an original, hand-drawn concept map for an app that lives in your iPad and tells you how to make all the money:

            genexus dancer JOB!

            GeneXus USA – an enthusiastic return on your investment!

            Last week was my first week of laboring for compensation in usable currency, and sweet shit is it easier than actually finding a job. For one thing, my office is no longer located in my childhood bedroom, which is really good for my soul.  For another, the people in my office are all confident, intelligent and funny, whereas nothing pisses-off the hiring side of a human resources department like over-achievement or laughter.

            The moral of this story is:

            After a 14-month mission of exploration, I am so happy to arrive at GeneXus USA and join my new family of good-humored tech-geniuses. I don’t even mind the two-hour commute required to arrive at my new place of business, because I have ample train-time to write these posts. I’m shooting for one per week. Maybe I’ll even get my first comment!

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