Warning: Serious and commonly fatal side effects of this blog include unjustified outrage, actual invincibility, passive extremism and boop.



January 2016

An Entrepreneur is the Self-Funded Captain of HER Own Enterprise

Written by , Posted in STFU DIARY


    To the billions of She-Genius fans out there, yearning for more of my shitty art and comedy:

    I’m coming back to you, just not today. I know it’s been a while already, and I’ve missed making mirth for you. It’s not that I’ve lost my passion for Star Trek puns or working for zero pay. I love those things more than ever. I am an entrepreneur now…the self-funded Captain (and crew) of my enterprise.


    corielle loves costuming

    I’ve started two companies lately, and I’m working UP a worldwide women power movement. I’m like Elsa building her ice palace, in the sense that I sing and shoot glitter out of my fingertips all day long. Unlike Elsa, I’ve got lots of help from good and brilliant people, including and especially all of your favorite She-Genius characters: Rachel, Glenn, my Mom, and my vagina.


    liftUPlift is a seriously big deal, seriously. Go shop from the women entrepreneurs on If you have a vagina and a business of your very own, let our powers combine!

    liftUPlift Photoshoot Chicago Women Corielle Heath Rachel Jones

    #WomanPower #BFFs #UPlate

    liftUPlift keeps me crazy busy. I wish there was time to be crazy casually and explore my full potential as a cartoonist, but I want to have a baby in approximately nine years, and I need to make the world a better, safer, freer place before she’s born.

    I thought I would have more time for She-Genius in 2016, but then I decided it was time to marry Glenn.

    Glenn-Corielle-Heath-Laaspere-Married_December-24-2015_Courthouse-wedding - 35 - Version 2

    …in a courthouse Christmas eve.

    The judge told my dad that Glenn and I are a “good looking couple,” though he was clearly confused by us the whole time.


    Actual Christmas ornaments, from our tree.

    We burst forth from the courtroom as husband and wife and exuberantly congratulated a young hispanic couple waiting solemnly for their turn to wed before we realized the bride was crying tears of sadness.

    Womp womp.

    Glenn-Corielle-Heath-Laaspere-Married_December-24-2015_Courthouse-wedding - 02 - Version 2

    I realized that Judge Roger was confused because we were shameless and deliriously happy to have our nuptials at the Will County Courthouse on Christmas eve.

    We weren’t eloping, same sex, seeking citizenship, or pregnant. We’re just soul mates who wanted to get married efficiently, in the 2015 tax season.

    Glenn-Corielle-Heath-Laaspere-Married_December-24-2015_Courthouse-wedding - 16 - Version 2

    At one point, Judge Roger goes, “Do you have the rings?” And, No, we do not, because we got engaged five-days ago. Out loud I ask, “Is that a requirement?” Nothing will stop my love, so I immediately thought up several ways to make a men’s wedding band using only the contents of the courtroom: 1) Take my dad’s, 2) reshape my bobby pin, 3) tie a piece of floss or shoelace. Fortunately, rings are not required. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE and $38 to get married in Illinois.

    Glenn’s family lives in New England couldn’t make it to Joliet for our marriage on Christmas Eve, following a whirlwind engagement lasting all of five days. His dad and sister watched the live stream from their living room, but his Mom had to work, so we’re just going to do the whole thing over again in Italy this September.

    Long story short, I won’t have a lot of time for She-Genius these next few months because, in addition to meditating and making a global impact, I’m planning the first ever Heath+Laaspere family destination wedding!

    Here I am celebrating the New Year in New Hampshire with Glenn, Melissa, Hans and Kirsten (left to right):


    The first Heath+Laaspere family photoshoot!



    I’m wearing a La Fille Colette dress I bought on liftUPlift, and YES clicking this photo takes you to her store. :D

    I have an amazing mother-in-law who got all our East Coast family and friends together for a super fancy surprise newly-weds shower!


    All of our friends, family and extended network are invited for the sequel to “Glenn and Corielle Forever,” in the this Fall, including YOU! We can’t wait to celebrate with every single person who loves us enough to travel with us to the Cinque Terre for our secular and Star Trek themed second wedding.

    Our ceremony will be held on the beach in the Riviera, under the stars, and it will incorporate Betazoid AND Klingon wedding traditions (we will all be naked, but with weapons).


    When I do come back to write more stories, I will share glorious tales, souvenir chocolates and malaria from the exotic lands I save from misogyny, and there will be much rejoicing.  Then, there will be espresso served, followed by dancing.

    Until that day, join liftUPlift and become part of the story!




      November 2013

      Corielle Heath, Champion of the Commuter Rail

      Written by , Posted in STFU DIARY


        I have been a light-rail commuter for just under two weeks.

        I know I don’t need to tell you that it was ample time for me to deputize myself as an extension of the Metrarail Authority. Of course, I’m pretty hands-off the day-to-day train-conducting tasks, like pulling the forward-backward lever, punching tickets and mostly not killing pedestrians.

        Like Superman and the National Guard, I’m off-duty until someone needs a hero.

        My ascent from passenger to self-appointed rail marshall occurred when one of my fellow passengers faked a massive heart attack, and I saved his life.

        You know how it goes…

        I’m on my way home from work, sitting on the top level of the double-decker train (safely above the germs spewed by the wretched coughing of the commuting proletariat down below)…

        This is what commuting looks like.

        ….WHEN SUDDENLY, a teen girl sitting several seats away casually wonders aloud, “Does anyone have any first aid training, or something?”

        Peering over the seat in front of me, I see a middle-aged man, collapsed and unresponsive, in the aisle.

        Corielle rides Metra, Saves Lives

        Mortal crisis means my time to shine!

        I launch enthusiastically into full rescue mode, just like when I saved my brother, Tony, from that catastrophic Honda explosion.

        I spring from my seat.

        Corielle is a HERO!
        No one expects to be casually alerted of a medical emergency, so I repeat the teen’s question in an appropriate tone. “IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE CAR?” I bellow. No doctor comes forward.

        I know a thing or two about saving lives because my father is a dentist, so I accept the possibility that I may be the most qualified medical professional on this train. “There are AED’s at either exit,” I announce, while sprinting toward the stairwell.

        I’m wearing high heels, but I will not be hindered by my impractical footwear and descend the steps to the lower level in a single bound, gripping the handrails like parallel bars and swinging, heels-first, into the aisle, below.

        The other passengers remain motionless in their seats, as I barrel past them and punch the emergency call button.

        Help is on the way, she-genius


        The alarm shrieks. “Shit,” I think. “This is getting serious!”

        By this point, everyone else is so alarmed confident that I’ve got this situation completely under control, no one has made any attempt at assisting me. I sprint back down the aisle and bark, “GET ME THAT AED!”

        Still, no one moves, except for a woman in the center of the car who sheepishly asks, “…what’s an AED?”

        USELESS. With a dramatic flourish, I yank open the rear car door and grab the defibrillator out of the wall. Bursting with glorious purpose, I gallop back toward the stairwell like a running back, little blue box tucked under one arm, the other pointed straight out in front of me, ready and more than willing to stiff-arm the first person that gets in my way.

        The conductor blasts into the car right as I reach the stairwell, forcing me to pull up short at the last minute.

        In case he doesn’t realize who’s in command of this car, I immediately begin to debrief him at a full shout.


        Together, we dash up the steps while I continue to provide my expert dental opinion. “POSSIBLE CARDIAC ARREST. I’VE GOT THE AED.”

        Ignoring me, he crouches down, placing two fingers on the dying man’s neck. After a moment, his brow crinkles and he cranks around to stare at me. “His pulse is steady.”  I raise an eyebrow and resist the urge to insist on taking his pulse, myself. Looking flummoxed, the conductor gently slaps the man’s cheek. “Sir. SIR. Wake up.”

        Would you believe that WOLF-CRYING SON OF A BITCH gasps for breath and sits up?

        NEITHER COULD I, but he does, while sputtering some nonsense about a very deep sleep. I pay little attention because this man has a demented sense of humor, and clearly CRAVES attention, and he’s not going to get it from ME.

        “It’s a goddamn miracle,” I pronounce angrily, before returning to my seat to glare resentfully at him for the duration of the trip.

        Anyway, long story short, I found an abandoned hiking backpack-bomb on the top level luggage rack several days later, to which I immediately alerted the conductor. Unfortunately, that was a false alarm, as well, but everyone was very supportive of safe over sorry because ignoring ticking luggage is how Houdini died.

        A few days after that, I intervened to terminate an incident of on-board bullying, and, soon after that, I tricked the Metra Conductors into launching a futile, 24-car search and rescue mission for my iPhone, though it turns out that someone hid it inside my lunchbox and put it in the refrigerator at GXUSA…

        I have no idea who...

        I have no idea who…

        The moral of this story has something to do with Bystander Intervention, but I wouldn’t know, because I have no soul, so….HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

        SHARE THIS:



          October 2013


          Written by , Posted in OMG News, STFU DIARY

          GeneXus USA Logo
          SHARE THIS:

            I FINALLY have a job, and it pays me in real dollars!

            My new place of business is called “GeneXus USA,” and we* help businesses build web and mobile apps for their customers or employees.

            *Corielle Heath is not involved in the development of web or mobile apps, as she is not even capable of working the printer, let alone giving birth to something that can survive in an iOS ecosystem.


            I am the SENIOR-MOST marketing and PR person at GeneXus USA, and I have no time for trivialities like developing the technologies or printing things, because I am also the SOLE marketing and PR person at GXUSA.  It’s my responsibility to incept people with the seeds of an idea for an app that lives in your iPad, solving all your problems, making you rich and heralding a new era of world peace.  I also write our social media content:

            Though it’s not in my official job description, I can’t imagine that my talent for art and coming up with wildly unfeasible ideas will go to waste.

            For example, here is an original, hand-drawn concept map for an app that lives in your iPad and tells you how to make all the money:

            GeneXus USA - an enthusiastic return on your investment!

            GeneXus USA – an enthusiastic return on your investment!

            Last week was my first week of laboring for compensation in usable currency, and sweet shit is it easier than actually finding a job. For one thing, my office is no longer located in my childhood bedroom, which is really good for my soul.  For another, the people in my office are all confident, intelligent and funny, whereas nothing pisses-off the hiring side of a human resources department like over-achievement or laughter.

            The moral of this story is:

            After a 14-month mission of exploration, I am so happy to arrive at GeneXus USA and join my new family of good-humored tech-geniuses. I don’t even mind the two-hour commute required to arrive at my new place of business, because I have ample train-time to write these posts. I’m shooting for one per week. Maybe I’ll even get my first comment!

            SHARE THIS:

              Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

              Join other followers: